End the Stalemate—A Review
By Kelley Keller
When my mother-in-law first moved into our home in 2013, nothing went according to plan. We had high hopes for her as she’d finally be unshackled from the burdens of homeownership, have more time to spend with friends, and perhaps she’d even dust off her palette and start to paint again. Truth be told, I was secretly jealous that she’d arrived at this life season of more rest and less stress.
We spent months creating a private apartment within our home replete with new furniture, fresh paint, and a custom shower that would accommodate her as she aged and required more support. Twelve years after losing her husband, she’d no longer be alone. Her chance for restoration and healing was just a hair’s breadth away.
I’ve never been more wrong about anything in my life. It was a disaster.
Despite the good faith efforts, my mother-in-law missed her home of 45 years; the place she intimately knew, having imprinted her life into every nook and cranny. The new stuff we purchased was lovely, but unfamiliar. It was crisp, clean, fresh, and new, but there were no body impressions in the sofa or threadbare sections on the upholstery marking the moments of a life well-lived and a family well-loved. Her mauve velvet recliner in her old living room had seen better days, which I eventually came to understand, was exactly the point.
Looking back, my MIL was certainly grateful for her new home. But she never fully reconciled her intellectual assent to the move with the heart strings keeping her tethered to her “real” home. What we didn’t know is that while she was “going along to get along,” her heart was shattering into a thousand pieces. She never told us and we were clueless. In the words of Cool Hand Luke, “what we[‘d had there was] a failure to communicate.”
I wasn’t five pages into Sean McDowell and Tim Muehlhoff’s new book, End the Stalemate: Move Past Cancel Culture to Meaningful Conversations (ETS), when this story came to mind. I couldn’t help but wonder how useful the guidance on each page of the text would have been to keep us from our recurrent failures to communicate. But I have it now and expect to reference it many times in the future. Let me tell you why.
End the Stalemate Is Written as Much from the Authors’ Hearts as Their Minds
The book’s central message is the inestimable power and absolute necessity of building relationships to have useful communication, particularly on tough topics. Relationships build trust and trust opens doors for meaningful conversation. No relationships, no trust; no trust, no communication. This through-line of building relationships, God’s way, undergirds the entire book and the authors masterfully stay on message.
Notably, McDowell and Muehlhoff co-wrote just one chapter of the book; the others are authored solely by Sean or by Tim (they use their first names to denote authorship, so I will too). In the introduction, Sean and Tim explain they wanted the reader to hear and engage with their individual voices, which, incidentally, makes the book more personal and relatable. Moreover, as each author shares their subject-matter expertise, they do so with personal stories and anecdotes that invite readers to step through the proverbial “wardrobe” and immerse themselves into their worlds, aka their worldviews. Readers quickly realize that the authors’ stories are also their stories, and sharing them reveals much common ground.
One unexpected benefit is that, page by page, Sean and Tim are actually building a relationship with each reader. By the time readers reach the final page, it dawns on them they’ve just been taken by the hand and privately tutored on how to handle tough talk. This “hand-holding” process creates the trust readers need to take the authors’ advice and confidently “give it a go” in the real world. Bravo to Sean and Tim for not just telling us what to do, but for revealing the way to do it.
End the Stalemate Is Well-Organized, Well-Paced, and Practical
ETS opens with Justin Brierley’s thoughtful foreword and the authors’ poignant introduction that sets readers up for a successful reading experience. Too often, “how-to” books bog readers down with a laundry list of “to-do’s,” but ETS avoids that trap. It focuses more on putting “ideas into action” than crossing tasks off the list.
ETS includes 11 chapters divided into two sections: the first tells the reader “why;” the second tells the reader “how.” Here’s the breakdown.
Section 1: Setting the Stage
At the outset, Sean and Tim explain how American society wound up in such a “divided and angry” place. Analogizing the plot of the 2000 movie The Perfect Storm, the authors identify four cultural storms that, taken together, have propelled us into our present mess.
● Storm #1: People Are Hurting
● Storm #2: Clashing Worldviews
● Storm #3: Social Media
● Storm #4: Communication Breakdown
Describing these cultural storms with a healthy mix of statistics and stories gets reader “buy-in” to the authors’ personal credibility and their use of the oft-overdone storm metaphor, which actually works well in this case. These early chapters also give readers a peek into the authors’ perspectives on these storms and why some cultural issues are so much harder to engage than others.
Section 2: Practical Tips for Engaging Others
The second section is where the “rubber meets the road” and the authors waste no time getting down to brass tacks. The title of the opening chapter, “Engaging Explosive Issues,” gives a hint of what’s to come.
Many communications books focus on solving, or trying to solve, problems, but End the Stalemate has no such aim. It’s not a book about problems, but conversations, conversations that will break the deadlock and get people talking again.
While reading this section, I recalled the years my husband, mother-in-law, and I spent in multi-generational living counseling. Most of it’s a blur, but one particular takeaway is a standout. Borrowing from systems theory, our counselor explained that while problems can be solved, messes can only be managed, and our situation was a mess. I think Sean and Tim would agree that this “angry and divided” place we’re in is just that—a mess. And they have a three-step plan to tackle it.
Step 1: Approach an (Explosive) Issue for Clarity
Regardless of the subject matter, Sean and Tim remind us that every difficult conversation takes place in the crosshairs of two sets of assumptions (one for each conversant) and the crucible of converging cultural storms. To avoid conversational chaos, each person must seek to understand with crystal clarity where the other is coming from. Simply put, each conversation partner must assume nothing about the other and explain everything to the other.
For Sean and Tim, pursuing clarity isn't a “good-to-do,” it’s a “have-to-do.” Fortunately, they don’t leave readers to their own devices. Using Critical Race Theory as a sample subject, they script the thought process required to seek the necessary clarity and understanding for productive engagement. This type of scripting is an effective technique that mirrors what a similar conversation may look like in real life.
Step 2: Approach an (Explosive) Issue with Charity
Explosive issues are radioactive, resistant to confrontation, and they’ll burn a hole right through your hand if you skip the mitts. They’re also emotionally and intellectually demanding, which makes engaging them a lot of work. But, as Sean and Tim reveal, explosive issues matter to our society, and mattering is what makes them worth the effort.
Explosive issues must be approached deliberately and delicately; one wrong move and, ka-bam, the tripwire is triggered. While we need not walk on eggshells, we must proceed carefully with these issues since we’re asking both our conversation partner and ourselves to step into a very vulnerable place. This is a “big ask” of both conversants and it won’t work unless it’s done with kindness, empathy, and recognition of the other’s perceived exposure. It’s not the time or place for an ambush; it’s an opportunity to build trust, charitably. Importantly, Sean and Tim clarify that charity doesn’t require affirmation and understanding doesn’t require agreement, but they do require sincerity and a gentle spirit. Civility is never a weakness.
Step 3: Approach an (Explosive) Issue Critically
Once an issue is understood clearly and its contours considered charitably, then, and only then, can it be engaged critically. Holding up the Bereans as models for critical engagement, the authors walk readers through the process of subjecting explosive issues, and ideas about them, to biblical truth to see if they pass the “smell test.” Note that neither our opinions nor preferences are the standard—Scripture, and Scripture alone, is the standard. When we have God’s standard and His truth at the fore, we can approach explosive issues with wisdom and discernment, carefully separating the wheat from the chaff.
These three steps for engaging in difficult discussions are not easy, but they’re worth the effort because engaging explosive issues is worth the effort.
End the Stalemate Is Low Key
As mentioned above, ETS doesn’t provide a formula for solving problems or winning arguments, but provides a framework for getting us talking again. So, if you’re hoping for a book full of opposition research, you won’t find it here. What you will find is a navigational beacon that helps us find our bearings in the midst of our cultural megastorm and social chaos; it helps us start to manage the mess.
I particularly appreciate that the book doesn’t lecture readers, but guides us through an insanely difficult process while helping us build relationships and a basis for trust along the way. In a fallen world full of hyperbole and hysteria, Sean and Tim encourage us to take a “time out” to slow down, gain perspective, and be deeply thankful for a personal God who loves us wholly, relationally, and unconditionally. It’s a tonic.
Final Thoughts
I read many books and only a few keep residence in my head; End the Stalemate is one of them. So, I asked my husband to join me in a thought-experiment involving the book’s framework for meaningful conversation. Together, we revisited the ways we engaged his mom on tough issues. Since they weren’t culturally explosive issues, but high stakes nonetheless, we were curious whether the book’s framework would still apply. We asked ourselves:
● Did we have a clear grasp off her assumptions and expectations of the situation?
● Even if a bit hasty, were we always charitable in our approach to the tough talks?
● Did we ever stop to question whether our assumptions and expectations aligned with Scripture?
We gave ourselves a B+ on the first couple of questions, but an F on searching the Scriptures for wisdom and discernment. Our intentions were always good, but our critical engagement was lacking at times. Naturally, it takes two to tango, and hindsight is 20/20, but it was useful to consider if we had prioritized clarity, charity, and critical engagement more than venting unfiltered feelings and frustrations, would our conversations have been softer? Would her heart have broken a little less?
We don’t know the answers, of course, and all was certainly well in the end, but one thing I know for sure after reading End the Stalemate is that a sharper focus on God’s ways instead of our ways would have changed the texture of the journey we embarked on together, for the better.
I highly recommend End the Stalemate for Christians and non-Christians seeking a kinder, gentler way to communicate. The book’s accompanying website, endthestalemate.com, is a cool bonus that gives readers a chance to test their mettle and apply the ETS framework in real time. This type of book is hard to write, especially in a world where people are hurting and we perpetually fail to communicate, but Sean and Tim pulled it off, and, as my dad would say, they did so with felicity and aplomb.
— Kelley Keller is a professional writer, public speaker, and legal lecturer specializing in issues at the intersection of law and worldview. Among her several projects, Kelley documents her complicated conversion from Marxian Feminism to Christianity on Confessions of a Truthaholic and hosts a podcast on the legal history of abortion, I Am Roe, Hear Me Roar. Kelley holds a J.D. from The Catholic University of America and is a D.Min. candidate in Christian Apologetics at Southern Evangelical Seminary.
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Wonderful review! Thank you so much.